The Worst Drug Dealer In The World by David Catney

The worst drug dealer in the world woke up that evening at about 6:45 P.M. He got out of bed. He scratched his taint then rubbed his eyes. He picked up a half finished, warm beer from the coffee table and choked it down. He walked over to the bathroom and sat on the toilet. The worst drug dealer in the world lit a cigarette to help him shit easier. He shit. He wiped his ass. When he was finished, he got up and walked back to his bed, without washing his hands. He opened his laptop. He looked at porn. He masturbated. He finished masturbating then he took a nap. He had only been awake for a little over an hour. He didn’t look at his phone throughout any of this.

The worst drug dealer in the world woke up from his nap a little before 10:00 P.M. He laid in bed for another hour, listening to his phone vibrate periodically. He stared at the ceiling. He bit his finger nails. He stared at the wall. Eventually he got up and brushed his teeth. He walked to the kitchen and put three corndogs in the microwave. He waited for them to cook, then he ate the corn dogs. When he finished eating the corndogs he went outside and had a cigarette. After smoking the cigarette he had a shower. Then he smoked a few bowls from his bong. Finally he picked up his phone. It was 12:26 A.M. He had eight texts from different people asking him if he had drugs to sell. They had all messaged him a lot earlier in the day. He texted them all back a message confirming that, yes, he did have drugs to sell. One guy messaged him back saying that he had bought his drugs off someone else already. The rest didn’t respond. The worst drug dealer in the world spent the rest of the night drinking beer and getting high on his own drugs.

The worst drug dealer in the world couldn’t fall asleep. It was 8:12 A.M. Morning. The sun was shining. He was really high on a mixture of different drugs. He couldn’t remember exactly which drugs he had taken. He remembered taking cocaine, Xanax, and smoking a little weed. But he knew he had done a few other drugs. The night was a blur. The morning sunshine hurt his head. He went down to the basement and tried to sleep on the floor, in the corner, with a blanket over his head.

The worst drug dealer in the world woke up suffocating under his blanket. He was soaked in sweat. His back was aching. He stretched out on the hard floor. He stood up and walked upstairs. He poured a bowl of cereal. As he was eating the cereal, he looked at the time. 3:32 A.M. He had slept for a long time. It never felt like long enough though. He finished eating, then he walked upstairs to his bedroom. He peeled off his damp, sweaty clothes and tossed them on the floor. He looked around for clean clothes but couldn’t find any. He put on a dirty pair of basketball shorts and walked around his room, filling a laundry hamper with dirty clothes. After filling the hamper, he walked over to the laundry room. He tossed the clothes in the washing machine and turned it on. Then he went to the living room to sit on the couch and read.

The worst drug dealer in the world sat on his couch, smoking joints and reading a book. As he was just rolling up a new joint on the cover of the book, he heard a knock at the door. He tried to ignore it, but the persistent bastard kept on knocking. It was 8:47 A.M. The worst drug dealer in the world answered the door. A dude who bought drugs off him every now and then was standing on the porch. The worst drug dealer in the world looked at the dude and said to him, “I’m busy with some shit right now. Come back in a few hours.” The dude who wanted to buy drugs walked off the porch.

The worst drug dealer in the world sat on his couch thinking. He hated his life. He didn’t have any more drugs to sell. He had done all the drugs he was supposed to sell. He owed his own drug dealer money that he didn’t have. He sat on his couch, really high, hoping a solution to his financial/drug problems would appear out of thin air.

The worst drug dealer in the world was taking a shit when the door knocked again. He knew it was the same dude who bought drugs off of him every now and then, back to get the drugs he was promised a few hours ago. The worst drug dealer in the world wiped his ass and left the bathroom. He walked down the hall and opened the door. It was the same dude. Now he had to tell him that he was out of drugs to sell. He told him. The dude was not happy. He didn’t believe him. He said, “Come on man, just a little bit?” The worst drug dealer in the world said, “Sorry, I really have nothing.” Then he closed the door.

The worst drug dealer in the world stared at his computer. He was watching videos on youtube. He had been doing this for almost five hours. It was 10:23 P.M.  He was drinking beers and smoking weed. He would do a line of cocaine from time to time. He was trying to stay awake for the night because he had to meet his own drug dealer early in the morning. He spent most of the night watching videos with titles like, “Top 10 Creepiest Things Ever.” He masturbated three times. He ate tiny pieces of candy. He spent a lot of time lying on the floor and staring at the ceiling, while listening to podcasts. Before he knew it, the sun was coming up. Not long after that, his phone started to ring. It was his drug dealer. He was going to come by with more drugs to give the worst drug dealer in the world to sell.

The worst drug dealer in the world was lying on the floor listening to a podcast. His doorbell rang. He went to answer it. It was his own drug dealer. He welcomed him in. He made excuses about why he didn’t have all the money he owed him. His drug dealer warned him that he better have the money next time he saw him. His drug dealer gave him drugs to sell. His drug dealer left the house. The worst drug dealer in the world immediately started doing some of the drugs.

The worst drug dealer in the world was very high. It was 11:14 A.M. He couldn’t remember exactly how many or which drugs he had taken throughout the previous night and this morning. He was tweaking like a deity though. He needed to answer his phone. A lot of people had been messaging him to buy drugs. He should be selling them, not ingesting them. He needed to sell all of what he had just got, in order to make enough money to pay back his drug dealer. He went to his bedroom to grab his cell phone and answer the texts. First he did more drugs. He picked up his cell phone. He looked at the app for messaging. He looked at an app for a game. He opened the game and started to play it. He thought to himself, “Just a few more games and then I’ll sell these drugs. I’ll get to it soon enough.” An hour passed. The worst drug dealer in the world fell asleep. He slept for nearly forty-eight hours.

David Catney is a writer from Ontario, Canada. Look him up on twitter or something, if you want.